The world seems to be shocked and fixated ever since the canoodling couple at the Coldplay concert last week was caught on camera and is suspected of having an affair. Chris Martin’s comment, “Either they’re having an affair or they’re very shy”, when the couple ducks away from the limelight, added fuel to the fire. I am more shocked at the moral policing by netizens and anyone and everyone I know, and the oscillating emotions varying from shock to perverse pleasure at them being found out.
Love is a messy business, and an affair more so. It hurts the parties involved and there is a cultural transference towards anyone having an affair, who is seen as the villain of the story; the perpetrator of causing a broken home. My dilemma is that we all know how complex human relationships are; rooted in conflict and pain, and we all have our plates full as we navigate our multiple roles and try to meet the expectations of these roles.
An affair is not as simple as understanding it to be lust, a mid-life crisis, or an itch. Nine out of ten times, it is rooted in unmet emotional needs that can date back to primary wounding being enacted decades later in a connection with someone outside of a marriage. An affair very rarely starts off on a whim. It will start with a basic connection, a liking that gets augmented, leading to a deeper relationship. Most people do not want to hurt their loved ones, and that is mostly what gives birth to the element of secrecy. The one who is having an affair is conflicted between surrendering to his or her needs and protecting the family from pain. It is also important to understand that an ‘affair’ is not happening outside of the marriage and has to be understood within the context of the marriage.
I can imagine eyebrows being raised at what I have expressed so far. Am I endorsing dishonesty in a marriage? Am I giving an implicit permission of sorts here? No, I am not. Is honesty and commitment in a marriage the foundation it stands on? Yes, it is. In an ideal world, people should walk out of unhappy relationships rather than hurting the family, because it is true that an affair always, sooner or later, gets disclosed. My point is that someone having an affair should not be treated as a social outcast and painted as the villain as a knee-jerk reaction. Every marriage is unique, and so is every affair. We don’t know anything about this couple, their marriage, or the life they have had, so why are we hating them so much? I also want to ask those who are moral policing what kind of life they lead, and whether they have no skeletons in their closet. I want to ask married couples if the thought of another person has never crossed their mind.
This culture of shaming and blaming needs to stop. We have to stop jumping on the bandwagon of the haters just because everyone else is on it. What if one of the two people we saw at the concert has depression and is suicidal? What will the haters feel if one of the two, or people associated with them, harms themselves? We know nothing about people’s lives or their struggles, so for the love of God, stop being unkind. Stop hating. Don’t assume and do not judge. Do not play God with people’s lives as a pastime. Your one like, one share, is what makes videos go viral.
The psyche of human beings is unimaginably complex, and before we shame others and add to their public shaming, we should take a look at our own lives, and I am sure there will be many moments where our moral decisions could be questioned.
Live and let live.
