Marriage is work. Every relationship requires commitment, but this relationship takes a lot for it to be a stable and safe relationship. I deliberately didn’t say happiness because I believe it is a far more complex emotion than we have understood. Happiness is primarily personal and then derived from relationships, and it changes over time and has no sense of permanency.

Sometimes a marriage reaches a point where staying is as challenging as leaving. Especially the kind of marriage where there is no active major conflict, be it abuse, infidelity, or any issue that needs urgent resolution. But it’s more like the marriage starts floating, and both the husband and wife have withdrawn into their shells with no more fight left in them and are silent witnesses of a dead relationship that has no connection whatsoever. Working with such couples is most challenging as a couple’s therapist, and it’s rare that a couple with both partners withdrawn from the marriage and mostly staying together because of factors like children, finances, or social stigma, will even seek therapy. Even if one of the two desires to fight for the marriage, the relationship has hope for rebuilding. But a marriage filled with silence and a couple being together because of children more than any other reason is a marriage on the ventilator, and one or both parties are scared to pull the plug.

But how does one day in and out be in a relationship that feels lifeless and dead and is sheer conflict management without intimacy, closeness, or connection? It’s exhausting and affects the mental and physical health. It’s a marriage where the husband and wife lead separate lives, and the interaction is rooted in common issues related to children, finances, or social commitments that are required to continue the sham of a marriage and that can maintain the false presenting self of a family.

Why do we do that? Why do we stay in dead relationships? Why do we believe we have no choice but to continue in misery? For many people, kids are a big reason why marriage continues. I see it as an inter-generational cultural phenomenon where the older generations continued for children’s sake. They consciously and unconsciously passed the message to the next generation, and it has been internalised and practiced by many unhappy couples. But the reality is that many children whose parents sacrificed their happiness for the children are unhappy adults and suffer from anxiety and depression, and a lot more regarding their life choices.

I don’t think divorce is straightforward or that parents re-marrying is a conflict-free zone. It’s complicated and messy; no child in this world will happily embrace and accept a parent being with someone else. It will create a rupture in your relationship with your child that may or may not get repaired.
So, what’s the choice? Do we continue in dead relationships, and that is a marriage where you are interdependent on another person you have stopped liking? It doesn’t matter who is to be blamed here because marriage takes two, and both are responsible for an arrangement to work or not work, and blaming each other is a mere distraction from one’s role to play.

So, what do you do when at such a point where staying feels as impossible as leaving? The first step is to accept that something might still be done to recover something from the debris, but one is tired and doesn’t want to look anymore. Coming to that realisation is the first step and the most crucial step. Saying out loud and internalising that ‘my marriage is over.’ If one has reached that point, remember that there will always be a shadow of doubt, even when arriving at this conclusion.
Once we accept that, we need to keep the hope alive for ourselves that no matter how old or long we have been in a marriage, we deserve companionship, love, and, more importantly, another chance. We need to accept that our children will grow up and change, and our relationship, like any other one, cannot be the same when our baby had looked up to us with love and trust.
Take one step at a time. Hope. Plan. Move. One day, another chance at life may arrive at your doorstep.

An issue that I have commonly come across in many of my male clients is the shame they experience for not earning enough money in life. They consider themselves as failure for not achieving their goals, espe­cially in comparison to their siblings or friends, and equate their bank balance to success or failure. Some of them may be in the profession of their choice but yet believe that for them to not have done exceptionally well in terms of the money they earn means that they have failed.

What was interesting for me to see was how the profession was associated with monetary suc­cess and not in terms of whether they were able to pursue the career that wanted or not. Many people vol­untarily or involuntarily join the rat race and experience anxiety and distress or undiagnosed depression for los­ing the race. I found many individuals to compare them­selves with their classmates or siblings and the direct comparison came in terms of, ‘he has his own house, cars, money to travel, education and the list goes on.’

There is an inherent shame rooted in a sense of inade­quacy or embarrassment of being less financially strong than his peers. I have been wondering where this shame comes from and I believe it’s intergenerational and is root­ed in the history of the sub-continent with the class di­vides and the strong concept of untouchables and over centuries, its imbedded in our psyches where having less means we will miss out on the exclusivity of life. We will be outside of the privileged circle and it’s the fear of missing out and being ‘untouchable’ that installs this shame.

This shame was further cemented by the social class dif­ferences that continue in our society and get highlighted by things like membership to social clubs where the ‘have nots’ are not allowed to enter. Is it the shame about being less privileged or it’s rooted in the fact that so many life oppor­tunities get missed out because of the class one belongs to and it’s the inferiority complex that develops because of it?

Shame is a powerful emotion tied to our identities and beliefs about ourselves and affects our self-esteem. Brene Brown defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging – something we’ve expe­rienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of con­nection.” It is a complex emotion that evokes a sense of inadequacy that can be triggered by a wide range of life circumstances, from social rejection to personal failure. It can also be triggered by something as job loss or FOMO, the fear of missing out.

Many of us link our professional identity to how finan­cially strong we are and not to our goals. And so rath­er than following our dreams and passion. We run after money and lead dissatisfied lives by aligning our profes­sion to money and not what motivates us. There is a sig­nificant relationship between shame and financial goals and shame has a significant impact on our financial goals. If we experience shame about our financial situation, we may be less likely to talk about our finances, set goals, seek help, or make the changes necessary to achieve them.

Shame also impacts our financial values which are the principles that guide our financial decisions and behav­iors. They are shaped by our upbringing, culture, edu­cation, and personal experiences. Shame can make us choose the wrong things. For example, if we feel ashamed about our financial situation, we might make financial choices that are focused on keeping up appearances rath­er than on building long-term financial security. If our lo­cus of evaluation is external, then others more privileged are dictating our financial choices; for example, making us buy things that we don’t need.

Let’s free ourselves of this shame. Working hard is all that matters and it’s important to set our benchmark of what is considered security in life for us. If you are rent­ing a house and like your life, then don’t pressure your­self to buy one. Life runs in cycles of change and pay more attention to yours and get out of all man-made races.

Get into your race ease into life and be free of any shame that is linked to what you have achieved in life.

He is not the only client who asks me this question. Many clients want me to decide how often they need therapy. They will apologize if they cannot make it to a session for a valid reason. They will ask if ‘they are getting better.’ Most of my clients, despite being the ones to reach out for therapy, at some point in time make me in charge of the therapeutic process. Therapy is a relationship between a client and therapist and there is the psychology of two people in the room, and within the relationship is significant potential for the client’s journey of self-awareness, emotional processing, and transformation. So why does an adult make the therapist in charge of the most important journey of his life?

There are multiple reasons and all are significant and relevant. One reason is that many clients perceive the therapist as a doctor and in a medical model, the doctor tells the patient what he needs to do. When he needs to come for the next appointment and if he is improving based on the patient’s feedback but also the doctor’s assessment sometimes based on physiological testing. I think that within this is also an inherent need in every individual to feel safe and making a trusted authority the caretaker of our well-being makes us feel safe.
Another factor is that the therapist becomes the parent in the room and the client unknowingly assumes a child position and surrenders control to the therapist. The therapist can become the good or the bad parent for the client but a perceived parent nonetheless in the therapy room.

My training makes me aware of these conscious and unconscious dynamics that play out within the therapeutic relationship. My work is to empower the client who has experienced helplessness in his personal life story and acts that out throughout his life be it his professional or personal relationships. I will mostly start a session by asking a client, ‘How do you want to use this time today? What do you like to talk about?’ Many will respond by asking me to take a lead and sometimes I do but again if the client continues therapy, I try to empower him by encouraging him to take ownership of therapy and most importantly to honour himself for his intention to continue the therapeutic process. Therapy is hard work. It’s painful. It’s not a client sitting and venting out his life story like reading out a fascinating story. It is week after week of understanding himself. Challenging himself and unlearning the coping skills he had learned to avoid pain in his life and taking the risk of experiencing emotional pain all once again.

For me, therapy becomes a parallel of the client’s attitude toward life. Do I keep coming in? Is the client asking this question specific to therapy only? It’s a deeper question in my opinion. I hear it as; ‘do I keep committing to life or can I take a break?’ Do I continue to take a risk to embrace and accept the life I have? Can I continue to take personal responsibility or can someone else step in and take it?
What is that commitment? It’s our relationship to life, isn’t it? A personal unique relationship that I need and want to take ownership of. To be fully present and show up for me in every aspect of my life. Understanding myself is a life-long process and continuing to evolve my relationship with life. Yet most of us let others dictate and decide for us if we can make that commitment how we see it.

Some of us are also put in such a position in our relationships that we keep answering this question for others and then are blamed for consequences that are not favourable. Stop answering this question for others. Let them decide how they want to use their time in this world. You and only you need to assume authority in your life. Only you should answer ‘if you can keep coming in’ and be responsible for what that means in your life story and it’s a question that will keep coming up for you. Therefore, do your best to choose today and every day to continue to come into life.

Very often, I am asked: Why do therapists charge so much? Many other unsolicited comments follow this inquiry: “But you are only paid to listen to someone.” “A friend can do that.” “It’s too much money spent for simply talking.” “It looks like an easy job.” “I can give therapy to others as well,” and so on.

Simply put, and a very difficult concept to explain: we charge for the space we give to our clients in our psyche. The client might as well pay me rent for a space in my psyche at the beginning of each year rather than paying for each session. Unlike doctors who see us for a short time and do not engage beyond physiology, we emotionally invest in people every week in a process that will last from weeks to months to years. During an hour-long session, we are not simply listening but using our cognitive, emotional, and intuitive awareness to hold space and understand the unique and complex human being sitting before us. We sit with them as they open their wounds, becoming the reparative parents, friends, and spouses in their psyche as we guide them towards a free and functioning life. Is the therapist’s hour alone? No, it isn’t. Beyond all the training, years of experience, supervision, emotional energy, and thinking, the professional fees, we also spend time outside the hour, carrying our clients with us. When a client expresses suicidal tendencies, we think and worry about them beyond that hour and at the expense of our time.

I think this question arises from the limited understanding of what a therapist does. A therapist is NOT paid to just listen. There is additional work between sessions and time and cost outside the session. That one-hour session is just one part of the therapist’s job description. Every therapist continues to invest time and energy in their personal therapy, supervision, and continuing professional development to understand the complex human psyche and support the mental health of clients. Time is spent making notes, record-keeping, and taking complex cases to supervision. Education doesn’t end for a therapist once they get a license; every professional therapist continues to train themselves in different modalities, keep up with new developments, or specialize because the psyche is so complex and one lens is not enough to understand it. A therapist has to be exceptionally mindful of their self-care to be able to work in this field, which also means that at most, a therapist can work for six to seven hours a day. The fees, which are regulated at market price, mean the monthly income will not grow beyond a point, unlike in other fields. There are no annual bonuses or promotions, etc. So, if the charges are high, it is also because a therapist cannot work beyond a few hours a day to provide a high standard of mental health support.

One cannot begin to explain the emotional labor in this job, where on a regular day, a therapist moves from one emotionally powerful experience to another and by the end of the day, may have very little bandwidth left for their personal life.

Another important factor to reflect on is how we are unwilling to pay for our mental well-being but willing to spend twice the cost on coping skills. A drug addict is willing to waste thousands on drugs to cope with trauma but not on therapy that can help with the addiction. There is a higher cost being emotionally and monetarily paid with unhealthy coping mechanisms, but there is resistance to paying for professional help that has been tried and tested.

I think the real question is not why therapists charge so much, but why are you unwilling to invest in the mind that defines every important aspect of your life? How well do you understand and value yourself?

Self-care in my opinion is the least explored topic for the human race and in our ever busy life, its more neglected than we imagine it to be. Amongst the educated and self-aware class of society, self-care is understood as going to the gym, eating healthy, or taking a trip to the Alps. But self-care is much more than that and I feel that we neglect many aspects and possibilities of taking care of ourselves that can enable free and functioning lives. We all have lives with their unique set of challenges and many things are out of our control but we have a right towards our mind, body, and soul and so how many of you take care of yourself?

First comes physical self-care which includes eating regularly and healthily. It includes exercise, getting regular medical care for prevention, and taking time off when sick. Mixing fun physical activities like dancing, swimming, walking, running, playing sports, singing, getting enough sleep, and regulating our nervous systems by making time away from telephones, email, and the Internet. Then comes psychological self-care which includes therapy or making time for self-reflection.

Do you notice your inner experience which is listening to your thoughts, beliefs, attitudes, and feelings, If you can’t afford therapy, write in a journal or read about mental health care. We need to explore things we are not an expert at or in charge of which essentially means taking a back seat. We need to mindfully attend to minimizing stress in our lives. When was the last time you engaged your intelligence in a new area, e.g., going to an art show, sports event, or theatre? Psychological health also comes from changing attitudes. Be curious and say no to extra responsibilities sometimes. Emotional self-care is as crucial to our well-being as physical and psychological well-being. Spend time with others whose company you enjoy and make an effort to stay in contact with important people in your life. You also need to give affirmations to yourself and praise and validate any small or big effort you make.

I think learning how to love yourself is the biggest challenge that you face as so many critical voices outside of you come in the way. Re-reading favorite books or re-watching favorite movies, pursuing comforting activities, objects, people, and places, and most importantly allowing yourself to cry are paramount to emotional health.

Find things or people that make you laugh can greatly reduce cortisol levels. Do you express your outrage in social action, letters, donations, marches, and protests? Another important area is spiritual Self-Care. Do you spend time to reflect, spend time in nature, or find a spiritual connection or community? You should be open to inspiration, and cherish your optimism and hope. Be aware of non-material aspects of life and pursue worldly dreams but do not run so fast after them that you fall flat on your face. See what is meaningful to you and notice its place in your life. Be open to not knowing and finding all the answers. Meditate and pray and see experiences of awe. Contribute to causes in which you believe and seek collective goals and not personal only. Relationship Self-Care is another area paramount to your health. Schedule regular dates with your partner or spouse and do regular activities with your children. Make time to see friends and call, check on, or see your relatives. Spend time with your companion animals stay in contact with faraway friends and enlarge your social circle.

Make time to reply to personal emails and letters; send holiday cards as well and allow others to do things for you that matter and so does asking for help. Share a fear, hope, or secret with someone you trust and permit yourself to be vulnerable. And let’s look at professional self-care. Take a break during the workday (e.g., lunch) and make time to chat with co-workers. Do you get quiet time to complete tasks? Identify projects or tasks that are stimulating and rewarding. Have boundaries with clients and colleagues. Learn to balance your work so that no one day or part of a day is “too much.” Arrange the workspace so it is comfortable and comforting for you. Negotiate for your needs and most importantly have a peer support group. A healthy you leads to a healthy society so strive for balance within work-life and family, relationships. Live. Laugh. Long.

A recent phenomenon I have seen in young people is the tendency to pathologize their intimate partners when expressing their valid concerns in relationships. To pathologize means to, declare someone with a psychological abnormality or disorder. Working with couples and the increasing number who walk into my office for relationship counseling, I find the intention to work on relationships as a great step towards realizing that ruptures in any relationship are co-created and can be resolved in the atmosphere of mutuality working towards co-regulation.

My serious concern though is how easily a diagnosis of mental health disorders slips off the tongue of one partner toward another. ‘She is bipolar about everything.’ ‘He is narcissistic and a psycho.’ ‘We have a trauma bond’. The language in relationships these days is full of terms like, ‘gaslighting’, ‘trigger’, ‘phobia’, and many more that have a place in a mental health practitioner’s office and not within a relationship. Couples tend to express how they feel in the face of a relationship challenge through buzz words and have already received a diagnosis from an ‘insta (gram)-therapist before they seek professional support. I think that this inclination to diagnose partly comes from the unhinged information access on social media that seems to resonate with everyone at some level and partly from wanting to add weight to the distress they are feeling. It’s almost like if I can label my partner as toxic, I will be heard and my pain will be recognized.

Couples need to understand that overusing clinical terms creates less safety in relationships and defenses go high in the other partner. There is a deeply embedded stigma attached to mental health that will take a long time to shift. By labeling your partner with serious mental health issues, you are sabotaging the chances of him or her seeking therapy or even if they do under pressure, there is a strong chance of mistrust and resentment towards therapy, and can be counterproductive.

Safety in relationships starts from creating an empathic non-judgmental zone so the first step is to express what you are feeling from an emotional inner experience rather than an irresponsible diagnosis of another rooted in judgment and an attempt to shame the other. Try to tell your partner that you feel angry when he pushes you and tries to control you rather than telling him he has issues with boundaries because he has narcissistic wounding. There is a chance that you may be right but let the therapist work on that so that it can be an effective therapeutic process.

We are living in an era that loudly blows the trumpet for self-care and empowerment. While it is an amazing process that needs all the attention we can give it, cultivating empathy is equally if not more important to psychologically grow as human beings. Labeling our partners with various psychological disorders defeats the purpose. Don’t judge your partner through the lens of pop psychology. Selfishness is selfishness and is a subjective experience and highly debatable. Don’t call it narcissism.

Don’t indulge in analysis paralysis and keep it simple. You don’t need the support of buzzwords to have a voice in the relationship. Trust your inner experience and speak from the heart. Therapy-speak shows our growing interest in our mental health which is an amazing thing but let’s curtail using clinical terms in everyday relationships and connect to our deepest experience of how we are deeply impacted in relationships.